My ultra-personal inner monologue

You can leave home without it

Bloody hell it’s been a tough day. On the one hand I’m busy with the most mind numbingly boring work I’ve ever done in my entire existence, and on the other hand I’m supposed to be everything from a technical project manager to a ground breaking editor. At east these last two area are slightly more interesting than the brain dead boring job that’s taking up my time.

I might as well have left my brain at home today – it wasn’t required at all.

In fact, I wish I could have left my heart at home: our oldest needs love and attention. I’m worried about her, as it seems she’s struggling a little bit at school and with the social set up. In her previous school she also struggled with major change, and it seems the younger Ada is better at adapting. Perhaps Donna doesn’t handle change that well, but in all fairness it has been a rather major upheaval in her life as well. Ada had less to miss, Donna knows exactly what she’s missing.

It is absolutely heart breaking. Every time she’s upset or in tears or down, I doubt our decision to move to a new country. I realise that in nearly every aspect imaginable it was the best decision, but it’s still early days and the dividends will only way off in months and years from now.

Sometimes a parent has to be so hard and seemingly heartless with a child – the younger the child the more heartless the parent seems. It’s so difficult for me to appreciate and accept the benefits of this move, how much more incomprehensible must it be for a young child?

I might doubt our capabilities to cope with the situation and I might doubt the decision to move, but there is no doubt that it was the right decision. There was absolutely nothing better that we could have done, even though the short term drawbacks might be difficult.

Added to the worries about our oldest, there is the worries of Kay’s job. Last night she was in tears again. Unfortunately her upbringing prevents her from being honest with her chauvinistic and insulting employer – she feels guilty about being insulted. It seems like the typical first stages of emotional battering – she feels guilt about how he abuses her – as he breaks her down continually.

Initially I put it down to her stress and the tough times we’re facing in general, but it seems to be much more than that. I don’t suffer fools at all, and in fact I am extremely critical of people who don’t use common sense or don’t think things through. I’m also more than honest enough with Kay, and initially worked with her to try and sort this out.

Now I realise it definitely is more than merely a bit of emotional strain. He humiliates her, and he breaks down her self esteem. Added to that he seems to be totally inconsistent, demanding that she get the same results with different inputs. In addition he merely shrugs off training when he is in the office (she’s supposed to know everything after less than two months and a Christmas break), or he’s out of the office constantly. She’s in trouble if she does something in a certain way, and then when she acts on his advice she’s in trouble for doing it in the new way – which he suggested.

I have given her my full support, and wish I could be there to give him a piece of my own mind. It’s easy for me to be all intellectual about it and theorise about his own lack of self esteem and the need to abuse fragile younger women, but I don’t actually have to bear the brunt of his denigrations.

We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but some of these issues are normal, daily problems that most people face. It’s most possibly so hard on us because of the lack of a support network?

On the other hand, I am the loud mouth who love to boast that ‘nothing worthwhile is free’. We are going through a tough patch now, but it will get better.


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